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| You hoped for a fallout. And you got one. You begged me to be with you, over and over again. I rejected your proposal, over and over again. Yet you never gave up - never stopped trying. So I finally gave in. I finally realized we're always running from one another.
And I finally stopped running.
I was willing to move to Maine. To take on a full time job, to leave all friends and family behind, and to drop everything here - to be with you there.
We had plans and dates set. And everything was ready. Until something changed. Until something changed your mind - made you realize this wasn't what you wanted. I wasn't what you wanted/ needed in your life.
And if that's the truth, I'm glad you decided to throw it at me before I moved in with you. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell, hearing you tell me you've moved on now and that I need to get over you as you've gotten over me (mere days after you'd been so excited about my move to Maine).
It hurt. Just like it always does. You hurt me, again. Just as you always do.
So this is it. I've finally stopped running. Stopped chasing after you. I can't take it anymore. Our infinite cycle. On and off for three years now, I can't take this any longer.
But it's exactly what you tell me you want, so I really do hope you're happy with that decision. And I hope you find someone else, in Maine, who you can truly be happy with. Not on and off, but for ever and ever.
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| "What i didn't want chris to know is that i still...care deeply for you... And that i hope for a fallout so i can have one more chance."
How could you text me that? Why would it ever be okay for you to text me that?
Please, explain it to me.
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| And it's almost the end of spring semester. Three more weeks until my first year of college is over.
And how does that make me feel?
I'm not sure anymore.
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| And this is new. This is change. Finally.
This is progress, and this is happiness.
Or a glimpse, at least.
And maybe I'm okay with that. I'm okay with accepting that this happiness is for the moment - and that it might not remain with me forever. As long as I try - each and every day - to hold onto it, I'll keep going. And if I lose it, I'll find it again. I know I will.
So, this is new. This isn't cyclical, and I'm pleasantly surprised by this new addition to my life.
He's a new face. A new friend. And a new boyfriend.
After spending time together for a month and a half, we're now dating. I didn't jump into things as I've done with every other relationship I've been in, and I didn't push or pressure things to develop as they did. I was finally given the stage of crushing that I had longed for and skipped over so very many times. I was finally able to be a little girl - nervous and silly - as I had never before allowed myself to be. And that in itself made and makes me happy.
Classes are going well. I'm drifting apart from some friends, but I'm strengthening friendships with many of those closest to me. And chance lead me to being with an amazing guy.
I almost dropped the class we have together. I didn't even realize he existed until he messaged me over facebook asking me about an essay due the following morning. I spontaneously messaged him a few days later, asking if he wanted to go to lunch sometime. And he said yes.
So much relied on chance, and everything developed in a way that lead us to where we are now.
And I'm happy. For the first time in months, I'm sincerely happy with where I am.
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| Fall semester. Full of change and new experiences. New faces, new routines, and new emotions.
Spring semester. Full of fallings out. Breaks. Loss. Change.
And I can't seem to handle how overwhelming everything has become. But I know I'll get through it. I know things will get better. I know things will get easier. And if they don't, I'll grow stronger from it. And I'll pull through. Just like I always have.
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More than anything, I wish to be viewed - by my friends and by all those that care for and about me - as a truly decent and good person, as someone that is able to help and influence those around me in a perpetually-lasting way. I want to touch someone's heart, hold someone's hand, dry someone's tears - all while knowing that I've done something - all while knowing that my existence mattered and matters more than anything else in someone else's eyes.